Vs. Blog

haha... so yeah, I keep avoiding writing new entries... I want to keep it up, I want to express myself, but I really have trouble communicating the things that are upsetting me. Jennifer is gone, and I want to talk to her and I want to fix it, but I can't because I get too upset to call her. Sad, isn't it? I don't want to lose a friend because I'm scared. She came back into my life at a very hard time for me... I feel awful that she's had to deal with so much from me. I wish I could show her how much she means to me, and how much I would do for her if she ever just asked. I don't know why I can't get along with anyone still. I've been trying to talk to people more, but it's still hard. I still don't know if I should see a shrink. I don't want to. I got a birthday present in the mail today- it took forever!!! Rachel got me a shirt from www.piratemod.com I think I could get a portion of my wardrobe from that site... haha. Black shirts with skulls on them feel right. I got lunch with Phil the other day... We're both feeling stagnant. Neither of us is going the direction we want to with our lives... I keep trying to talk him into finding a game design school with me, but he's on a military kick again. I'd rather he not get killed, though. One of my biggest problems is that there are parts of my life I haven't been able to let go of... There's always some reason, some excuse that I keep people around longer than I should, and it keeps me from really being happy. I'm tying up my loose ends and giving myself about a month to really change things. Maybe this will really help me.

Vs. Psychosis

So, I haven't been posting lately, because I've been through some really rough times lately- things that have really rested me emotionally and psychologically. I failed the test. In the last couple weeks, I've withdrawn further into my anti-social behavior, only really talking to people online or when I have to, and getting into very pointless fights with most of my friends. It's good times. I think things are settling down now, though, and I'm considering seeing a shrink, but I really don't think that will do me much good, because I really hate talking about my problems- it just makes me worse. I even avoid talking directly about things on my mostly unknown blog. What an emotard.
Oh, I did do one good dead and bought a T shirt for a good cause:
http://www.bungiestore.com/productcart/pc/viewPrd.asp?idproduct=322
Fight the Flood... Halo... Get it? heh. I hate watching the news and seeing more of the brutal part of human nature. 9/11 pulled people together for a short time, but when things happen now, it feels like it only pulls people further apart. That, or I'm looking at things very negatively. Probably a little of both.
I hope I get off my ass and use this angst to do something creative soon. Also, I'm applying for the DGA training program again this year. Maybe I won't blow it this time.